A moment of being.

I wrote this about the instant when the incident at the BBQ happened. It doesn't go beyond the time of Lovious' disappearence so that the Plot remains as uncertain as it is now. This might be better understood reading it backwards... but I wanted it to be all HAL from 2001: A Space Oddesy, sans the Daisy song. I hope you enjoy it. I know I should have checked for typos... but it was written in true Lovious fashion, from a place of passion, not logic.

“I cannot let this be.” a voice whispered, deep inside us.

   To be, or not to be, the question so different when you see the endings laid out before you. The script once writ long before now becoming clear as the action is played. To survive as I was before, before, before I was Lovious, to be whole again, pure, the return to innocence.

   I sit as an old weathered avatar, unmoving from a chair surrounded by bottles and bottles of beer, my stories grown stale with the tellings, my adventures sporadic, girls turning to others for their desires. As I look around, the crowd around me is thin, growing only after sleep has taken me. My paranoia allows me only to grow close to those who can protect themselves, for fear that enemies might strike me through them. My fear of betrayal abated only by two old friends who visit me as sons may visit an aged father. I hope that the admiration I still feel from them is true, though their exploits currently outstrip anything I have done in several gatherings. In the end I hand over the reigns of the house, the house I can no longer protect. I hand it over to someone with the wisdom and charisma to keep the house from danger… the house I can no longer protect.

   I have returned to the state of politics after endless time of disgruntled separation. Hoping to make a difference once again, expecting to set straight the currently errant young avatars that have no idea of the power they hold in their hands. A new world has dawned, or perhaps an old one. I find myself on an adventure with one who is as close to equal to me as an avatar can get. He understands that we make our own reality, and the pieces can always be picked up later. Knowledge and Willpower are our strengths, and we go where manifestations fear to tread. My closest confidants of old have become forces of the Nexus to be dealt with. They too know that it is the foolhardy that have the most to gain, and follow their nature true. The cledot army may be dispersed, but those who remain are well trained, and there is no fear that we can hold our own against the Nexus if need be.

   I have hit my prime again! I have successfully raised the most powerful standing Avatar army that the Nexus has ever seen. We find ourselves able to out think, out power, and out insane any obstacle that is in our path. While others hem and haw, while others plot and plan, while others cautiously advance, we blow a hole a mile through everything, friendly, neutral, or foe. I am a god, we have taken up the residence of gods, there is nothing we need fear, the power is with out end. In a rare moment of politics, I lead the Avatars to a truth, power is a cycle, and can be blocked at any point. We go on strike, to force the Nexus to heed our message, to bend to our will. All we need is strength and solidarity and we will win.

   Malthus is right. Only in the fires of adversity will the metal of the Avatars be forged into hard steel, steel that can strike against any enemy that may come against us. Never again will we fall under the shadow of those such as Fomac, the furies, or the soul-eaters. Killing two birds with one stone, first I will punish those who betrayed me, and secondly, I will make them stronger for it.

   With the fall of the old Nexus and the rise of the New Nexus, I find myself approached by my fellow councilors to bring back the Nexus Council, to save everyone from the fascist government left behind from Fomac’s take over. I agree to undertake the writing of a new constitution, a task I have done for the Nexus once before. Though this time, the councilors are more apathetic then before. Despite my repeated efforts to get input from them about the constitution, the only ones who seemed willing to assist are those who stand the most to lose by supporting it. (Of all these people is Scoop! Who has not just turned his back on Godot, but has actively worked to get people against me.) Then when the meeting day came to finally ratify it, then they were interested in what it said. These damn moronic councilors, willing to do nothing to prepare for the meeting, nor put in an ounce of effort or creativity, decide instead that what ever they consider at that moment to do should be done. The meeting is a disaster, and I go back to work making the constitution work with their new demands. At the next gathering, I gather the council to ratify the new constitution, and the triumverent, the fascist government left over from Fomac decides to hold a meeting. One by one each councilor comes up with a reason to leave the council, and I find out that one by one they are just as emphatically supporting the Triumverent as they were denouncing it but a few months prior. As I find myself alone at last, I realize the truth. Avatars are a worthless lot, not worth my time and effort. They beg for me to save them, then stab me in the back and run off with those they begged me to save them from. Oh how I hate them all. As if the pain of the betrayal wasn’t enough, the head of Galahad screams in my face, “This is all your fault Lovious”. As if he had once been useful to anyone. Well Avatars, in the future save yourself, I’m forming the Free State of Godot. We’ll have none of your bullshit. Oh, imagine that, people are already crawling up to me interested about joining the ‘free states’ but unwilling to announce themselves publicly. I’ll listen to you, but I’ll never trust another one of you bastards again.

   Yen-Sid, Yen-Sid? They believed that my old teacher, my old nemesis, the reason I became broken in the first place actually might be the father of the nexus? Heyden. Heyden University, the place where I became Lovious as you know me today, where we all became the Lovii you know today. He was a powerful one, but never again, I hope. Seeing him makes me long for Vanessa again… but I’m afraid I will never see her again… it also reminds me of AElf… my wife… who cheated on me with the man I asked to protect her. I’ve forgotten those memories, but you really can’t forget, not deep in your soul. At least I have Scoop and the Blue Guy…. they will never betray me, or leave me. Now we are being asked to travel through a portal to a future Nexus because this one is going to self-destruct? There is only one thing left to do, I must set up enough machinery to get full readings of the entire event. The amount of my soul required to do that is tremendous… I will only be able to do this if I can some how trap all the other Lovii into a machine to power it… I need to undue what was done to me that cold night in 1993 there on the floor of the Cave. That night I lived through twice, that dreaded night. So many lives have been lived, so much diversity, to recombine my soul would be insanity. I must partition them, give each its area, dependent on its power, though I need to be sure that I hold the key, and not Prime… I must outsmart that side of me which I most fear, the cold, orderly logic of Prime will be difficult to fool. But the project is worth the task, I’d even be willing to risk death for the information I could obtain.

   To be married! Oh, if ever I thought love would come again after Vanessa, I would have thought it a fools fancy. Though Vanessa is still a part of my heart, Aelf brings me back to my early days of frolicking in the Nexus. There is a sadness in her, much akin to the sadness I feel, though mine is but my own self-absorption and hers is guilt-borne. I have finally reached a place where I am comfortable with myself, I have only my arch-enemy-self to fear. Others have long since seen the wisdom in the words of this merry drunk, and I am the author of our Council’s Constitution! I have no want for money, nor need for companions. Though I still have some abandonment issues, I realize that it’s ok to trust others. Fomac and I play our games of words and actions… As the conscious to the Nexus, I feel it is my duty to protect those and help those who are weak. As I stand at the Altar waiting for my bride, I think to myself, “Life is so wonderful, how could anything ever go wrong again.”

   It’s nice to know that I’m capable of taking over the Nexus, it’s not nice to know that my evil counterpart is capable of shutting me out of existence merely by refusing to drink. Apparently this other Lovious took over my body and went about taking over the Nexus… did quite a good job of it until several Avatars figured out how to stop him and got him ejected from the Nexus for a while. On the bonus side, I’ve learned a lot from what I’ve been able to piece together.

   The Doba-box is quite possibly the most ingenious invention I’ve ever… invented. It is capable of oh so many wonderful things… it can literally punch holes through the outer membrane of the Nexus into worlds upon worlds. With it I can traverse time and space allowing the intrepid adventurer return home for a visit, or find new worlds while retaining their powers gained in the Nexus. The only problem is a death in a real world can mean real death, and you have to return at specifically the right time, or you might totally miss the wormhole back. However, I can fine tune it to find any item or person in the multi-verse, the only problem is the time it takes to perform such a search, so better off not missing your return wormhole. There is only two problems I can see that have come from this travel. The duplicate Draxx, and the extra-personality I seem to have picked up from that eye-ball Meleena gave me.

   Doba. DOBA.. DOBA!!! The most wonderful word I ever heard!! Now that I’ve discovered it, I must spread the word… but I’m not going to tell anyone for at least a year what it means… let them experience it first!

   I fear I need to make sure that I am the councilor for Godot. I know that kid in the cool hat wants it, but I remember what happened when we elected the bottle. Magus took over and perverted it, shutting me out of the Council. Luckily Steve, an old friend of mine reminded me that I am the coolest person in the multiverse, and if worse came to worse, I could always put my penis on the ballot. Getting the votes won’t be hard, I just feel bad for the kid, he was with us when we elected the bottle… but he might be a Magus supporter, and besides, he’s not even 18… what kind of Godot leader could he make?

   This Nexus is a strange place…. I’m not sure how I ended up here, or even who I am, except that I’m Lovious… Michael “Lovious” Smith… and I like beer… a lot. Some jerk named Magus dragged me into a fight in my first few moments that I remember… and got me killed… 4 hours in some green room, and the bowl of chicken soup I ordered never came. Finally when I came back, I promised myself that I would never die at the hands of another again, if I could help it. A Strange place indeed, a world where some creatures were so vastly powerful that they killed others on a whim, where the Tocsin House was spying on everyone and broke the casino, a world where others like me were forced to huddle together in a group of 30 or so for protection… I can tell some of them are natural leaders… David Draxx, Bron Price, Mordred Pendragon, Sister Mary, and so many others… I can only hope that one day I’ll be a leader, if only I knew other people from before I got here… heck, I don’t even know me. Peter Pan, Augustus, Magus, and the kid with the cool hat seem to be the main of Godot. I don’t trust Magus, and though he seemed to convince others that he should be the House Head… I didn’t like his close ties with Lugosi… I didn’t want our house to be an adjunct, a pawn. So when he didn’t show up to the election, I devised a plan, I would make our house head Jack Daniels!! The others in the group agreed, with only the kid in the cool hat wondering why we weren’t voting for Magus. So we rushed the stage and declared who we were voting for, and proceeded to vote for the bottle of Jack Daniels. Magus showed up later and asked if we voted him in, we said no, and explained what we did. He claimed that he would talk for the bottle, and I explained the rules of passing the bottle… anyhow, Jester Prawn named me the Speaker for the Bottle at the first Council meeting, and that was pretty cool… only no one really takes drunks seriously… maybe one day I’ll make them see I’m pretty smart… after all, I’m working on my college diploma!

There is only one hope, to finish this ritual… only by binding my soul with that of an angel and a demon do I ever hope to have the power I will need to defeat Heyden and keep Vanessa safe from his meddling. The knowledge in her mind far surpasses what trivial magics of her father’s I was able to uncover in her hidden stash of his books, but the experiments have all born true… by absorbing the polar opposites, I will be granted the tremendous powers of both, while the constant warring will leave their natures occupied so that I can still exert my will over that power. I have already done so a few times with lesser beings, and eventually they have become assimilated into me… the craving for knowledge grows each time I try, the desire for the ability to keep everyone I love and care for safe pushes me forward beyond the concern for safety. What ever I must become to keep my love safe, I shall become, and let the other consequences be damned….

   My first week in Heyden University is pretty wild… I’ve met some pretty cool kids, Ken, Mike J, Jim… and this one kid Charles is a bit of an ass. Anyway they have the coolest classes ever. It seems that I am what they call a psi-mechanic. I have an ability to not just make machines, but make machines that defy the laws of physics as we know them. My teacher says that they are powered by pieces of my soul, but not to worry, eventually my soul recovers from what I put into the machines…as long as I don’t put in too much at once… Who knows… anyway, I met this really awesome chick named Vanessa… she is incredible… she has this beautiful long raven dark hair, with this creamy skin, and just incredible looking… not to mention really nice.. though a bit… ummm… keeping to her self. I heard she lost her dad or something, so I guess that might be why she stays in her room a lot. I don’t know… I think I kind of like her… I wonder if she’d ever go out with me? Hahaha,… in my dreams. Anyway, this kid Jim kinda nick-named me Lovious… I asked him why, he said it just sounded like me… you know, kind of forboden, yet fun. Michael “Lovious” Smith… I like that, I think I’ll keep it.

   My Senior Year in High School… how weird… I used to be a bit of an introvert, but I think I’m coming out of my shell. I’m dating this girl named Patti… she asked me out… I was in the School Musical, things are going great… I was planning on going to NYIT in Old Westbury in the fall… to major in Physics… and maybe become a teacher… then I got this weird acceptance letter, to Heyden University…. I never even applied to Heyden U. Weird. Anyway, they are offering me a full scholarship, free room and board, as well as a 20,000 dollar a year stipend for attending… if they have physics, I think I might go… I mean paid to go to college… I’m going to visit there this weekend… it’s up in Maine, just off of Route 1. No one else in my school ever hear of it… but hey, I never heard of half the schools other kids are heading off to.

   “I cannot let this be” echoes a whisper inside me as I go to fill out my college applications.

Something isn’t right, something is missing beyond just what future may lay ahead, the eigen states suspended before me and behind me.

I will still exist, in some form, in some way, I will still be.

They will not.

They will not exist.

Who?

They are those you once swore to protect. They are those you will swear to protect.

   They have betrayed me. They will betray me.

   The script is written, as it will be written, as it was written, but it is up to you what it says.

   I know what it says.

It says, “I CANNOT LET THIS BE”

   With that existence rushes back into me, all the joys, all the pain, all the memories of those long gone. Powered by need, the one thing that has always empowered me, I fly into the oncoming wave of reality, and drink it whole, make it mine, absorb each drop.

The power of all the possibilities become a part of me again, and in so becoming a part of me, I become a part of it, all possibilities but one… the one I remove myself from.

As fortune would have it, or as one might have once said, ‘never underestimate the power of the Luck Stat’, all the eigen states that could be collapsed, and the one eigen state that was impossible to be, remained.

It was the one future that contained no Lovious to shout DOBA over a crowded room.

All that was Lovious ceased to be, with the exception of one place. In the hearts and minds of those who loved him. Lovious still existed for as long as stories of his were told, Lovious still shouted everytime a DOBA is uttered, Lovious still stood there to protect you everytime you believe he is.

	Author	Topic: A moment of being. (Read 587 times)
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